Mind minions

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Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Thu Aug 04, 2016 12:58 am

It was a generally good day for White Fang. He was walking down a forset hiking path, then it was a rush, two metal ball going the speed of a bullet hit a tree next to him , breaking it. It was Alania (one of my other characters) she was standing there with a dead look in her eye. "What are you doing?" White asked. She didn't respond she just ran up to him, "Wha..." Before white said anything she sacked him in the face, forcing him to the ground. White started to groan and saw a women with a suit with the letter MEA. She crouched and touched his forehead and everything went blank for White, because now he was under a mind controller.

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Thu Aug 04, 2016 1:17 am

(How does one join this?)
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Thu Aug 04, 2016 1:46 am

( just post)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Thu Aug 04, 2016 1:48 am

(I mean the plot is sort of rigid.)
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Thu Aug 04, 2016 3:43 am

(Like what and I'll fix it)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Thu Aug 04, 2016 4:05 am

(Note: My other message seemed to have been deleted thus I have to retype it.)

Well first off the starter seems rather ‘closed’, you have someone who I suspect is your protagonist randomly ambushed by this woman for no apparent reason and then she mind controls him. While this is okay were it not at the start it still leaves the plot not opened for other people’s characters. Perhaps if you gave this woman some sort of minions to do something bad at the start and save the main villain’s arrival until later on it would allow more members to join in?

The narrative thus far, (from what you’ve posted that is) seems to be focused only on your character. However, I don’t see why this villain would be a threat to other people’s characters as she seems to just have chosen your protagonist for an as yet, unknown reason. Perhaps I need to give you an example of how a mind controller could work in this? I have a psyker named Adriana, she can mind control people just by starring at them. However, she also has her own army of psychics which is constantly at odds with my character Grief, (her brother), and she also has psychic devices that can amplify her power to where she is even capable of mind controlling entire cities. This puts her at odds with my other cast and thus she is a major villainess.

I think you need to ‘open’ up this to be more about your villain as a mysterious threat for now and perhaps keep her in the shadows, but have henchmen to help her carry out a terrorist act or something?
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Thu Aug 04, 2016 6:02 am

( that's why she has Alania which is a enemy of the MEA which is a group of superpower villain but she was mind controlled and The women is one of the strongest, but she making a army of extraordinary people like my white fang which has the power to control earth)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Thu Aug 04, 2016 7:01 am

(Hm, I may have a solution to this. Perhaps I can lend you Adriana and Supremacy in this? )
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Fri Aug 05, 2016 2:49 am

(what do you mean lend me)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Fri Aug 05, 2016 3:59 am

Your villains could work with Adriana and the Supremacy? )
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:54 pm

( The MEA aren't very allied people)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Sat Aug 06, 2016 12:01 am

(Neither are Supremacy, but they have the psychic weaponry to take over Mobius if they really try it.)
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Sat Aug 06, 2016 12:33 am

(fine but I was hoping her newly got minion

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Sat Aug 06, 2016 3:38 am

(Nobody said you couldn't mind control your own characters, however you want to broaden your conflict a bit here.)
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Sat Aug 06, 2016 3:44 am

(Sure)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Sun Aug 07, 2016 5:25 am

(So, shall we continue? )
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:01 pm

(We will but are you going to do something with your people)

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:21 pm

Suddenly a Raven 310 gunship landed in a nearby clearing of the forest. It's distinct humming of it's engines and it's turbines was heard as the flying Moebian military ship landed softly upon the grass. The sidedoor hatch opened and a retinue of Psych Guardsmen exited the craft as a black and grey fured female adult fox in a purple dress with a red had exited the vessel.
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Sun Aug 07, 2016 11:05 pm

The women covered her face with her arm to block the wind made by the airplane. " Who are you?" She asked while Alania and White prepared to fight.

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Mon Aug 08, 2016 12:07 am

"We are the Supremacy Army. I am Adriana Bradanska of Spagonia, these are mio Psychic Guardian detail e escorts. The real question here is, who are you?" The female said as she walked over with her guards.
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Mon Aug 08, 2016 12:47 am

"That is none of your busniess, what I am is a solider." She replied as Alania started walking forward.

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Mon Aug 08, 2016 1:50 am

"More like a disrespectful whelp." Adriana replied back.
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Mon Aug 08, 2016 2:26 am

"Threatening me is not the smartest thing." She replied to Adriana.

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Re: Mind minions

Post by Jaredthefox92 on Mon Aug 08, 2016 2:38 am

"The same, but I have these soldiers e mio Raven." Adriana said as she smirked.
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Re: Mind minions

Post by WhiteFang on Mon Aug 08, 2016 4:06 am

"So what do you want?" She glared like she was trying to stab right threw with her eyes.

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Re: Mind minions

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