I would like to see what people think of my Story. "Forgotten Fear"

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I would like to see what people think of my Story. "Forgotten Fear" Empty I would like to see what people think of my Story. "Forgotten Fear"

Post by Vairik The Hedgehog on Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:06 pm

Forgotten Fear

This is not a exert from the book, for it not exist  yet.
I have had the story going in my head for about 2 years now. i think i have made it original enough.
i should list my inspirations though.

Bible-Exodus, SkyRim, Lord of the rings, ww2 history

This story takes a place on a planet named "Livona"
There is no magic. there is swords and bolt actions. (because i love old historical weapons Very Happy)

-I can here the roaring of rifles and Kortian Soldiers screaming angrily as they try to break or line. though we know they wont. they just fall directly into the mounted machine guns fire. we have been fighting them for almost 3 days now but they ran out of ammo first so now there just charging us with swords drawn. I try to make it look like i'm firing at them but i cant bring my self to kill any one... i just aim... and breath the thick foggy sky. "HOLD FIRE!" as one more Kortian falls. and no more follow. I begin to here to cheering in shouting all across the trench. people hugging, crying, all in good spirits. but I. i'm not sure, i am in some kind of trans. like the world around me dose not exist. I begin walking to west down the trench while the smell of dead and burning bodies fill my nose. I am awakened from my state of zombie mindedness when feel a hand on my shoulder turn me around. It was general Gwhere. what could he possibly want with me? "Hey can you deliver this message to about half a mile back to artillery guys Corporal Adam Hannan?" he says with a big smile and glee in his voice from the triumph. I Shrug and let off a simple and lifeless "yes sir" which he reply's "Good! and good job fighting kid!" "thank you sir"  reply as he hands the scroll into my hand. it takes about 15 minutes for me to get down there but now the elevation has increased a little bit so now i can see Ignis (The Moon) sitting in between two mountains from the directions the kortians came from.
the grey sky makes it harder to see the white and yellow moon of Ignis. i try to get a glimpse as i get closer to the artillery guys. I walk up to some of the artillery guys who are just in a circle talking. I walk up to them and tell theme "This is from general Gwhere" i say as i hold the scroll off in the middle of the group. A older man with gold trimmed helmet quickly yanks it out of my hand. 

So i hope you thought it was ok and if you think i should continue the story.
Oh ya, this is basically the draft i guess for the first page in the beginning its not as detailed as i would like but its a draft, so what ever.

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Post by Vairik The Hedgehog on Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:32 pm

Can people please give me some input?

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Post by The Red Blur on Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:51 pm

BEWARE, CRITICAL RESPONSE INCOMING

The idea itself seems pretty good, and the setting is interesting, as I haven't come across a mix of medieval and world war era weaponry before. However, the portrayal comes across as... Well, to put it bluntly, a bit bland. The way to fix this would be to be a bit more descriptive, so, what does the battlefield look like? What makes general Gwhere stand out from among the rest of the soldiers? like I said, the base idea seems interesting, the execution just needs a teeny bit more polish.

All in all, pretty good, just needs some work

(P.S some of your grammar and spelling is a bit off, for example, when regarding sound, it's "hear", not "here")

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Post by Vairik The Hedgehog on Wed Jul 20, 2016 1:16 pm

thanks for the input!

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Post by Dregan on Wed Jul 20, 2016 7:52 pm

Oop, before anything else, brief request to please not double-post/bump your own topics. We make exception if you're providing an update - for example, if noone were to respond and you wanted to add another paragraph of text or whatever, feel free to double post. Asking other people to respond though, or minor updates, within the same half hour as the previous post? Yeah, please don't do that - your posts DO have an edit button if there's anything extra you want to add to them.

As for the text itself, shows promise, though I would suggest taking some time to go over the basics of writing - spell checking, grammar, that sort of thing. If you really genuinely struggle with spelling, maybe grab a friend to act as an editor? Someone who can proof-read what you've written just to fix up spelling errors and similar such.
May also wanna take some time to learn a little about formatting/paragraphing text. I understand it's actually one of the more difficult elements of writing to wrap your head around, as suitable line breaks can be very... subjective, but it helps to make your writing overall more readable and evenly paced. The main rules for changing line tend to be either for a change of focus/subject matter, or if a different character is talking. For example, instead of;
"Hello," I said, expecting a reply, "How are you?" "Hello to you too, I am fine," he responded. "That's good to hear," I told him.
It would be...
"Hello," I said, expecting a reply, "How are you?"
"Hello to you too, I am fine," he responded.
"That's good to hear," I told him.
It makes sure characters and such don't all run together and makes your writing much more understandable.

As for your setting, I will say, I like the base concept - war with a few weapons of different eras. Though you may want to be careful how you balance it... Whilst bolt-actions vs swords is viable, considering how unreliable and slow bolt-actions were, throwing in heavy artillery and mounted machine guns suddenly nullifies how easy it is for your audience to buy into the viability of medieval weapons on that same battlefield. You may want to find and define a line for yourself as to what military weapons are too high-grade to really work with the mixed-in swords and such-like you intend to go for.
An alternate, of course, is to focus on a more guerilla-style force using swords and the environment against a better-armed but largely unprepared batallion. Still, it seems that your intent is more open-battlefield, so that probably wouldn't work quite so well for your intents.

Either all, shows promise so far. You're definitely above the level of 'just describing actions as they happen', and have a few lines of descriptive flair in there which is nice. I think primarily for now you need to focus on improving yourself on a technical level (grammar, paragraphs and such) and then take a look over how things actually read/sound/pan out from there.

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Post by Vairik The Hedgehog on Wed Jul 20, 2016 8:27 pm

Well i should have said this but the story is not always a battle. its mostly about the main character travailing. with a few battles here and there.

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Post by Dregan on Wed Jul 20, 2016 10:07 pm

My point was less about the battle and more the world it's set in. Essentially all I'm saying is - be careful what technologies you choose to advance if you wish for some of the more 'swordy' elements to still sound relevant to the setting's era.

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